DUDS, SNAGS & STICKY-BEAKING IN MELBOURNE (part 1)

Melbourne, set around the shores of Port Phillip Bay is simply a wonderful city. Home to Aussie Rules Football (absolutely everyone here 'barracks' for a team) and Australia's capital city until 1901, Melbourne was established in 1835 and has a population of nearly 4 million people. In contrast to Sydney, it is a very relaxed and relaxing place with a great feel-good factor.

Eifion, Marc's cousin, put us up and put up with us for the two weeks we spent in the city over Christmas and New Year. Christmas Day started early with breakfast at Rhiannon and Jamie's home (Eifion's daughter and son-in-law) and we watched Ioan Alun, their 6 month old son open his presents and play with the wrapping paper! There were even pressies for us - a hilarious classic Aussie comedy movie which will be Christmas viewing when we get home and there were parcels for us in the box from family in New Zealand. The NZ Christmas Pressie Procurement Committee is to be commended on its choices as some relate to my favourite pastime - shopping. To build up an appetite for lunch, Eifion took us on a 15km walk down to the hip-and-happening St Kilda beach (yachts big enough to make Howard Davies cry). The beaches were alive with families playing cricket, swimming, picnicing and just enjoying the glorious sunshine, wearing santa hats. Christmas lunch was oysters and lobster, a first for us both, washed down with a couple of stubbies - style eh? Late afternoon and we were back at Rhiannon's joining another 14 people for Christmas dinner where we dined like kings all evening. We grazed our way through six delicious courses, finishing off with tiny Christmas pudds and a great big ice-cream bomb. There were sparklers for the children, so I amused myself for a while, writing my name in the sky but I wasn't so sure about the balloon animals that we were all supposed to make. I still maintain that mine was a snake ...

Boxing Day and we were all off to Lynne's (Rhiannon's mum). Today, we joined about 22 people for a wonderful lunch by the pool (Aussie's certainly know how to party), which was followed by the real business of the day -The Movie! It has been a family tradition for many years that a movie is shot every Boxing Day and no visiting friends or rellies are spared. So one by one, we emerged from wardrobe, transformed into mexicans, desperados, indians, sheriff's men, dancing girls and a priest (Little Squaw marries Deputy Dawg at the end). There was no set script, only a list of scenes and a director who meant business -"silence on set", and the movie was shot in and around the house and garden, the final shoot-out taking place on the street much to the bemusement of passing traffic, some of which came back for a second look. The neighbours are long used to such bizarre goings-on. We hope that by the time we get home, there will be a copy waiting, for all of you to see 'Desperado' Marc galloping around on his trusty steed and Dancing Girl Ni serving drinks and mingling with the clientele at Titty Kitty's Saloon in her feather boas.

Something else funny (but not at the time) happened a few times on Boxing Day. Every time I sat down next to Marc, I would get a static electric shock which caused a reflex action and my arm would shoot out, throwing out the contents of my glass. As I was sipping champagne (not as nice as Asti) throughout the day and saw it as a terrible waste, I changed my drinking arm after the second time it happened, much to the relief of the person sat to my left with the wet leg!

That evening, Eifion drove us down to the surfing mecca of Torquay, 80km south of Melbourne to spend a few days with his brother Geraint. As soon as we got there, Geraint phoned to say that he wouldn't be home until morning, but told us where to find the wine and how to get to the beach for a walk at sunset, so we followed his instructions to the letter. The following day, he took us for a drive down the famous Great Ocean Road and we enjoyed superb views of turquoise seas and white beaches before he switched the 4WD on and veered up an almost sheer dirt-track and we disappeared into the bush. It was while I was enjoying a nice bush-cuppa in my directors chair that I noticed the scorpion walking in front of my foot - Marc asked me if I was sure of what I'd seen, so I showed them the tail - raised and pointed in our direction. I then decided to move the chair ... We spent a lovely few days in Torquay, swimming, walking, enjoying the largest, most juicy prawns imaginable on the bbq and just generally chilling out.

And so, back to the bright lights of the city ...